When I seek training in a new modality to share with my clients, it's almost always because it is something that has worked for me on my own path to healing. Receiving Ketamine Treatment as a client in 2022 was what motivated me to begin studying Psychedelic Assisted Therapy.
At that time, my limited understanding of integration was that it was what happened in my therapy session in the days following a ketamine journey. What I understand now is that integration is all the things that happen in between. Integration is the ways in which concepts and insights become internalized and play out in day-to-day life.
The shifts have been subtle. When I look back over the past two years, I can see how the subtle shifts have added up to profound changes. Panic and anxiety has slowly shifted into creativity and confidence. I never thought of myself as creative person. There were artists and musicians in my family, and I had been disappointed that I did not get that gene. Through the process of integration, I have been able to shift my perspective about what it means to be creative. I don't have to be an artist or musician; I can create things in my own way. This is the inspiration behind Creativity Unblocked.
Much of my own healing work has been processing the "little t" traumas that result from having a parent with untreated severe mental illness. When he passed away this year, there were parts of me that felt so un-integrated and compartmentalized. All this work I have been doing on myself felt like it came to a head. But I continued to create. I continued to connect with nature. I started listening to different music and danced my ass off. My creative mentor showed me new mediums that gave voice to un-integrated parts of me. And, of course - therapy.. therapy.. and more therapy.
The last place I thought I'd experience integration was at a Blink-182 concert this past week. They were just a band I had loved when I was younger. I hadn't made the connection that their music had actually supported me through a really hard time in my life. They performed a song that came out when my parents got divorced and I could feel the 13 year old part of me release something that it had been holding on to for all these years. My younger self really needed to have her pain acknowledged, and I was finally able to do that.
It all clicked to me in that moment. Integration is ongoing. Integration is all the moments that string together to make a life. It's therapy, it's art, it's music, it's movement. It's cuddles with my son, it's conversations with my wife, it's the work I do with my clients. It's making mistakes and learning from them. It's going outside and actually noticing that the leaves are all different shades of green.
Maybe you're new on this journey and are wondering when integration will happen. I'm here to tell you that it's happening right now. In the moments. In the movement. In the hard work. At the random events that don't feel that important. And if you haven't noticed it yet, that's ok. Keep paying attention. Keep going and one day you will see that integration is in everything.
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